You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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