Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
