sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Randomize
