I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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