Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
