I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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