Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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