I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
