we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
