I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
