I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
