My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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