If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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