unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
