Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do vagina's smell?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
