OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
