GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
