If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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