I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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