I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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