the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
