Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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