Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
