my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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