Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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