We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
