Welp...herpes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
