Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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