Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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