I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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