Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
