While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
