I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
