People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
