he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
