i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
