He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
