I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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