When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
