do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
