If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
