apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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