Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
