Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
