I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
