You really coming over, don't trick.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
