she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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