apparently the secret to your success is patron
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't deserve a penis
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
