Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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