this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
