dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
