Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
